sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
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