Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
