Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
