Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
