She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
