You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
