sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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