Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
