Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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