My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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