All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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