Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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