turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
