the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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