Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
