I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
