I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
