She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
