I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
