I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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