you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
