Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
