I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
