Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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