watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
