**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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