This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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