best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
