Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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