I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
