Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Your cock deserves a montage
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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