i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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