Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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