you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
