I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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