if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
