3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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