She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
