I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
