I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Blood and glitter go together right?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
