I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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