i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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