I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
