I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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