so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize