watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
