I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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