did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
