I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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