I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
