This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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