Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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