I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
No subtext here. People are naked.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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