It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
