Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
