Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
