Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize