How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
