When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
