Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
