my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
