you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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