I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
