Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
