you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
