who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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