chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
