Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
