FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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