ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
